Good Advice for Relationships (James 1:19-20)

...let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; ²⁰for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. —James 1:19-20

I’m so glad that God gives clear guidance for relationships in His Word. James is full of practical wisdom, and He tells us to ask for it (James 1:5). James wanted his readers to know what to do when temptations come. One guiding principle is: be ready to listen.

What would the world be like if we all were quick to hear instead of being quick to react? Too often we jump to conclusions or immediately try to defend ourselves. Anger can blind us to reasonable thought and action. It can often be a response borne out of fear. Discovering why we get angry can help us to deal with it better.

When tempted to lash out at someone, we can take a moment to think about what we're doing. Words once spoken can never be taken back. Pausing to figure out why we're reacting in anger can prompt us to appeal to God for help. Actually taking time to think before speaking could prevent a lot of hurt in this world. As Solomon said, "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense" (Proverbs 19:11). And praying before responding is a good preemptive practice.

James offers a key to battling anger in the verses that follow our passage: "Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves" (vv. 21-22). Memorizing and meditating on the Word of God plants it in our hearts, so we are better prepared to face the temptation to get angry.

Paul also gave relational instructions in many of his letters including: Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord (Romans 12:17-19).

Jesus’ teachings are full of admonitions to love, do good to, and pray for our enemies (Luke 6:27-36). We don’t ever know the whole story, but God sees the heart of all involved in any and every situation. He is perfect judge (James 4:12) and we can trust Him to judge justly (Isaiah 30:18). He alone gets it right.

If anyone could have been justified in retaliation, it might have been Joseph. His brothers hated him so much that they sold him into slavery in a foreign land. Joseph was surely tempted to feel fear, despair, and anger. Instead, he trusted God. He recognized that he was not “in the place of God” to do his brothers harm (Genesis 50:19). He learned that God had a larger plan—what his brothers intended for evil, God meant for good for the saving of many.

May I encourage you to have faith in who God is; trust Him when you are tempted to react impulsively. Pause and think before you speak. Consider how your tone and volume might come across. Be patient and pray, “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” (Psalm 141:3). You may be amazed at how much better your relationships become. After all, God gave each of us one mouth, but two ears. Let’s use them for His glory and the good of others.

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For Reflection

1. When have you spoken too quickly and regretted the damage your words have caused, whether written or spoken?

2. Consider strategies for being slower to speak and quicker to listen: take a deep breath before speaking, silently ask God for His wisdom, memorize verses that you can then call to mind in tempting situations, pause and think before you speak, instead of reacting, rephrase what the other person has said as a question.

3. Ask God to help you be more eager to understand, than to be understood.